So I have been to the carboot sale on Sunday morning and am in need of an Emergency Latte.
It is 8.45am and I park in the bottom car park and am heading for Costa when I see the signs outside White Lion House reminding me that today is their closing down auction.
I go inside and peruse what is left of the stock.
I have never been to an auction so I register for a Bidders number, which is free, and baulk at paying £1 for a programme.
Which proves to be an error.
As I leave I look at the mowers outside and decide that if the big sit-on mower is in my price range (£15 or less) then I am bidding for it.
I will look great driving that home down the High Street.
The auction is in the Town Hall, and there are 21 people in attendance as I take my seat at the back.
Cor, this is just like Homes Under The Hammer.
A man starts speaking incredibly quickly and we are underway.
There are close to 650 items to get through so he is not hanging about.
We rattle through pictures, copper cannons and Victorian tea strainers as though they are going out of fashion.
People are bidding and counterbidding and I need to be careful.
My nose is itching like mad and I don’t dare scratch it for fear of buying a useless oversized, overpriced wall unit.
Or Andy Carroll as he is sometimes known.
I have no programme and the items you are bidding for are not on display, they are over in the shop, so I truly have no idea what everything is, but with prices ranging from £1 to £800 I don’t dare get into a bidding war.
And then my moment comes for Lot 255 and I thrust my hand skywards and bid £5.
And the lady in front bids £10.
And I have only got £15 so I bid it, giving her a look that says ‘Come on, I’ve been here for 90 minutes waiting for this one and I have only got £15 in my pocket’.
Give me a break’.
Which is quite hard to get across in just one look.
Especially when she is in front and has her back to you.
And she bids £20.
And I bid £25.
What am I doing? £28.
RIGHT £30 I bid.
£32 she offers.
And I see sense.
And I sit on my hands, not on a nice new wooden bench, and I am defeated.
I don’t even bother to wait for the sit on mower.
We bid farewell then White Lion House, where even the Lions have been sold.
Lots of fun for all…